Vending Machine of Love

Vending Machine of Love is a song released on 12 February 2021 by The Stupendium.

Description
ONLYCANS IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR FREE ON STEAM!

https://store.steampowered.com/app/417360/

Yes, it's marked as *adult* but it's just about soft drinks, honestly. Seriously though, not for kids.

I was recent approached by a very dear friend of mine, a game developer, and asked to produce a theme song for the game he and his team were developing. I, being the wonderful friend I am was delighted at the prospect of helping a friend in their creative endeavours.

Then I played the game.

'OnlyCans: Thirst Date' is a game where you befriend and photograph a colourful cast of carbonated chromium companions and that is all I am prepared to say about it.

In all seriousness it's an incredibly well made little game and completely free on Steam and Itch.io, with planned free DLCs for the rest of the year. It's very silly, more than a little naughty and totally just about soft drinks. If you're of sound mind and legal age I thoroughly recommend you check it out.

Lyrics
VERSE 1

Hey guys, are your lips dry?

Any desiccated ladies trying to get by?

I know the best way for the girls and the boys to

Come together and enjoy a little moisture

So you’re waiting on the mate that’s one-a-million?

And carbonation ain’t the way that you envisioned

You say it’s strange but baby shed your inhibitions

And let your date slip into something aluminium

She’s elegant and eloquent and so effervescent

Subtle bubbles in my stubble feeling ever so pleasant

Never thought I’d find a girl with such a delicate essence

Free with the meal deal at the delicatessen

Saw you sittin’ in the fridge with a twinkle

Are you a multipack can or are you single?

A little of sipping and a spritz isn’t sinful

I’m just finna get my finger in your ring pull

CHORUS

So slot your pennies in the vending machine of love

And pick that fizzy little minx that you’ve been dreaming of

If you’re cursed with the thirst of a lonely man

You can get your juices flowing with some OnlyCans

Every glamorous can has a heart to fill

So I hope that you can handle three-thirty mil

Get lost in the froth as the foam expands

Get your lovin’ whilst you’re gluggin’ on some OnlyCans

VERSE 2

Now you’ve seen other paysite galleries

But none of those girls taste like raspberries

So if you think we’re just some obscene cannery

All our cans are over eighteen calories

So, give a spray for some flirtatious behaviour

That come-hither hiss is what you came for

We’ve been brewing up a plethora of flavours

Say we’re crude, you can never say we’re tasteless

So if you drink it straight or with a mixer

Bring a mister or a missus home for dinner

Everybody’s got a different fizzle in their spritzer

What’s it matter what ingredients are on your sticker?

I haven’t met you all, but it’s contextual

You’re all impeccable if it’s consensual

If you’re ace, demi, pan, flexible

End of the day we are all can-sexual

CHORUS

So slot your pennies in the vending machine of love

And pick that fizzy little minx that you’ve been dreaming of

If you’re cursed with the thirst of a lonely man

You can get your juices flowing with some OnlyCans

Every glamorous can has a heart to fill

So I hope that you can handle three-thirty mil

We can semi-guarantee that we won’t be banned

Get your lovin’ whilst you’re gluggin’ on some OnlyCans

VERSE 3

May be fizzy but I’ll spit a little candour

Sure it’s sticky but we’ll lick the spillage after

There’s only one app for tin-can philanderers

Snapping what the can did with your candid camera

Can a can cancan? Yes it can, all the cans in Cannes are

Canuck cans in Canada, Manly cans in Canberra in canoes

Grabbing noodles and canoodling with cans in Can Tho

Mexican cans in Cancun, scandalously scantily clad in their scanties and decanting at you

Camping with a Scandinavian can, under a canopy, alone in a canyon with your can boo

Share a cannoli with Italian cans on the canals before a candlelit dance

Then canter off to Canterbury for a canny romance, you better cancel your plans

This Can-sonova can’t handle the demand

Of Cantabrian cañ-oritas in cantinas with fans on the Canary Islands

Strip canasta ‘til you’re down to your pants

and your can-panion froths over your hand

Damn, these Cantonese Shizes are your creamiest stans

So go over to - Can-bodia,

You can let the local flavour flow over you

Getting down with the hard, round chromium

Lovin’s never been so low-sodium

Can looking like a snack? That’s a canape

Can-paining like Barack? That’s a candidate

Can sweet on your tongue? That’s a candy cane

Can rocking them guns? That’s some cannonade

Feel that can in your heart? That’s a cannula

Can sends it’s regards? That’s a Canister

Inquisitive can? That’s a canvasser

Insensitive can? Cantankerous

CHORUS

So slot your pennies in the vending machine of love

And pick that fizzy little minx that you’ve been dreaming of

If you’re cursed with the thirst of a lonely man

You can get your juices flowing with some OnlyCans

Every glamorous can has a heart to fill

So I hope that you can handle three-thirty mil

Hey, don’t touch, just hold the cam

Get your lovin’ whilst you’re gluggin’ on some OnlyCans

SPOKEN OUTRO:

So download OnlyCans, the game for soda lovers!

It’s got very high ratings!

…Oh, oh sorry. No. It’s very ‘hydrating’, my mistake.